Busy Weekend

Saturday, I woke up early to the sound of my pager going off, but I didn't go on the call. I tried to start preparing a lesson for children's church, which Gail, Darren, and I would be teaching Sunday morning. I called Gail, and we put our heads together for a long time, and tried to come up with a lesson. Eventually, something pretty much came together. Then I had some breakfast, and made myself presentable. When I was all ready, my mom and I went shopping. I had decided that after having such a rough week, I'd better go buy myself some new clothes. And so I did! That was fun, and I really like my new stuff. My mom got some nice things, too, which is really good, because she almost never gets anything nice for herself. In the evening I had dinner with my family. We had corned beef and cabbage, with potatoes and carrots, which is usually what we have on Saint Patrick's Day, but we decided to have it a day later, becuase of our busy schedules. It was nice to have a nice dinner with my family. For most of the rest of the night, I worked on getting ready for a big thing I'm doing for the youth group. There is a lot of preparation and props required, so that was very time consuming. Today, I went to church, as usual, and helped lead worship. We taught children's church. That went very well. After the service, I had some coffee, and talked with a friend for a while. Then, after everybody left, I began setting up everything for youth group. That took a long time. I finally got home at around 4:00, and had a quick bite to eat. Then it was back to church, to make final preparations, and run youth group.

Dilemma resolved

Well, yesterday and last night just got worse and worse. (However, some parts of the day were good, like talking to a very good friend, who's like a brother to me, who I called for comfort and advice. And also talking to a long lost girlfriend, for pretty much the same reasons.) The night's biggest battle began with me emailing Bachelor Number 3 and telling him that whatever he thought we had is all over, and he seriously freaks me out, and I want nothing to do with him! I asked him to leave me alone - "Please don't call me, email me, message me, or try to contact me in any other way..." Well, that didn't work, and it ended up being a very long and emotional night. He just kept on sending me messages, emails, and calling my cell, which I had turned off in anticipation of him doing just that! Oh, and I was chatting with a friend online, and I was in invisible mode, because I new that psycho Number 3 would keep signing on to see if I was online, and send me a billion messages! Yeah, I ended up being totally right about that! He just kept signing on and off, and on and off. It doesn't take a genius to know that the crazy, possessive, freak was just looking for me. According to the times listed for the messages, emails and voice mails he left me, the creep literally spent hours trying to contact me, without even taking a break!!! CRAZY! Well, when it was really late, and I had finally decided to go to bed, I had to turn my phone on, because I'm a substitute teacher, and I have to have my phone on in order to receive calls to work. Well, as soon as I turned it on, I was bombarded by all the messages from the lunatic, which I pretty much just deleted and didn't even bother listening to. Then, just as I finished checking my voice mail, and was headed to my bed for some much desired (and needed) sleep, my phone rang! Guess who? Bingo! Psycho Number 3! Well, I knew that if I didn't answer my phone, he'd just keep calling, and I'd never get any sleep. So, I mustered up some courage, and answered the phone. He immediately started begging me to just give him another chance - he'd be better, he'd respect my boundaries this time, he knows that it's God's will for us to be together... Yeah, right!!! Well, I was not putting up with this manipulation any more, so I really yelled at him! I told him he is absolutely not the one for me, and I will NOT have a relationship with him. I spent most of the day crying and freaking out. I have no peace about it, whatsoever and the answer is NO! N-O! Then he told me, yet again, that he knew it was God's will, etc. Well, that got me really mad, because I know that I can hear from God, too, and He was telling me something entirely different. So I sternly declared that he does not have a monopoly on conversations with God, and it is down right cruel, sick and evil to try to manipulate someone by using God, or God's word... Then I demanded that he leave me alone. He continued whining and trying to convince me to give him a chance, or at least be friends, but I said, "NO, NO, NO!!!!!! I don't even want to be friends with you! You freak me out! I don't want anything to do with you! Leave me alone!!!" Anyway, I eventually told him that if he ever tried to contact me again, then I would get a restraining order! That finally made it sink into him, and he agreed to leave me alone. Before we hung up, I did what seemed like the Christian thing to do. I said, "Now, don't take this as an invitation for anything, because I still don't ever want to hear from you again, but I want you to know that I forgive you for what you've done. And I hope you can forgive me for hurting you. Now, have a nice life. God bless you. Goodbye... FOREVER." Then I hung up. Well, so far so good. Almost 24 hours without hearing from him! Before my night ended, I went online and canceled my personals account, deleted my profile, and made sure every trace of the psycho was erased. I've decided that this online personals stuff is just not for me, and I'm so done with it!!! Ok, enough about yesterday, now onto today. Well, the substitute calling service called me super early this morning! Usually they call around 6:20. This morning that called at about 20 of 6! Silly me, I agreed to work, despite my total exhaustion, because this has been a slow week for work, and I seriously need the money. Work went fine, but they had me switching around who I was subbing for, 'cause they were really short handed today. I was seriously dragging today! I wasn't sad (In fact I was feeling quite relieved!), but I was sooooo tired from the previous days' and last night's events. So, I wasn't exactly my usual bright and chipper self. I managed to make it through, though, by the grace of God! This afternoon, I came home and tried starting my car, which has been giving me much grief. (I took George's car to work. He's the almost 99 year old I live with and help to care for a bit.) Eventually I got it started, took it out of the garage and left it running. A while later, I decided to give it a test run, by using it to run some errands. In the evening, my mom and I went out to dinner to a place we often like to go on Fridays, for fish. That was good. It's kind of nice to be a regular at a place, and they know what you want to drink as soon as you walk in. :-) When we got home, I checked my emails. Then I got a phone call from Bachelor Number 2, who has actually become a good friend, even after I told him I wouldn't date him. We had a nice convo. Then my mom and I went to Stewart's and got a free ice cream cone, as is our annual St. Patrick's Day tradition. Now I'm just relaxing a bit, and hoping that my pager won't go off. I'm on call tonight for the ambulance, and I just don't think I have the energy for our usually long and draining adventures. (For those of you who don't know, I'm an EMT on my town's volunteer fire department.) Well, this post is too long already, so I'm done! Happy St. Patrick's Day!

What to do?

Well, honestly, this has been a pretty crazy day (couple of days actually). I'm not even sure where to begin. Ok, well, a while back I decided to venture into the world of online dating. I wasn't too awefully serious about it, but I thought it would be a nice way to meet people with similar beliefs and interests as me. You see, living in a very small town, and going to church in another very small town makes the pickings of people to date, or even just hang out with very slim - especially since my standards are so high. So, how has this new endeavor been going? Well, that's where my current saga begins... First, I posted a profile, complete with photos, and what I think is a pretty accurate brief description of myself and my interests. Then, I kind of just waited to see what would happen. Well, the messages started pouring in! (It was quite an ego boost, really.) Many of the messages and the guys that sent them seemed pretty sleezy and, thus, were immediately deleted. Some seemed like they had potential, so I replied. After all, it could'nt hurt to get to know someone, right? Of those that I replied to, only a few have since been back in touch. Perhaps it was something I said? One of them seemed like a really great guy, and we seem to have a lot in common. The problem is that he is 17 years older than me, and after much careful thought, I decided that the age difference weirded (grossed) me out too much. So, I said my sorries and farewells to that guy. Then there was another guy who seemed really cool. Let's call him Bachelor number 2. We started emailing, then IMing, and eventually talking on the phone. The problem there was that I discovered that he was not remotely passionate enough about God for me to ever have a relationship with him. I mean, I'm a pastor, and as I said I have high standards. It was kind of a bummer, though, because we really had fun chatting together. Well, last night I broke the bad news to him, right after he asked me to go out with him Saturday night. He seemed to take it very well. We had a nice friendly conversation after that, and now he's even planning to check out some churches. Well, like I said, he had asked me out for Saturday night, ironically, someone else had just asked me to go out with him Saturday, as well. And this is where my biggest drama begins... Bachelor number 3: Christian, on fire for God, passionately living for Him and serving Him, filled with the Holy Spirit, prays in tongues, prays and reads the Bible often, knows a lot of scripture, and excercises in spiritual gifts. He's 5'11' with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He's looking for a Christian woman, filled with the Holy Spirit, walking in the Spirit everyday, etc. Wow! That seems like a match, right? (If you know me well, you're saying, "Yup, it sure does!") I was certainly excited and refreshed to see this guy. So, I sent him a simple friendly message, something to the effect of being glad to see a guy who is so passionate about a relationship with Jesus. Well, in the blink of an eye, we were emailing, IMing and talking on the phone. Within literally a couple days, he started calling me pet names. (Now, be it know that all my messages were merely friendly, and I even stated very clearly, more than once, that I did not want to rush into anything. I just wanted to get to know him, and see what, if anything, happened.) Boy, this guy didn't want to waste any time! He was emailing me, IMing me, and calling really often - almost to the point of freakish obsession! Oh, and he would also sing and play the piano for me while we were on the phone. And he discussed marriage and aweful lot! Sometimes I got a bit weirded out by his calling so much and stuff, but I figured, "Ok, I guess he's just really interested in me." Well, interested would be a total understatement! Last night, we were on the phone for a lonnngggg time, until the wee hours of the morning, even though I told him at around 11pm that I had to go, because I might have to work in the morning. Well, during the course of the conversation, we prayed together. (Usually a good idea.) Then, he said this "prophetic word"... or was it??? In the word, it was declared that we were going to be together and have a great music ministry and be world changers, etc. To make a very long conversation short, Bachelor Number 3 basically proceded to say that he could see us together in ministry, etc. He knows that we are meant to be together. I am the woman he has been praying for for years. Yada yada yada... I was totally blown away!!! To make matters worse, he practically put words in my mouth, and tried to pull confirmations from me. A bit later, he asked if would go out with him. Well, I already told him I would meet him on Saturday, and I thought that's what he was referring to, so I agreed again. Unfortunately, he meant "Will you be my girlfriend"... or essentially, "Will you marry me?" Oops! Here I though he was just talking about meeting on Saturday, getting to know eachother, having some laughs, maybe! Well, before I knew what was going on, he starts telling me how much he loves me, and asking me about names for our children!!!! WHAT?????? Well, I was so blasted tired and confused by that point, that I could hardly even respond! Eventually, we ended the converstation, and I attepted to get some sleep. Yeah, right. How can one fall asleep when their head is spinning and swimming in questions, like "What just happened??? What in the world have I gotten myself into??? Is he really the one for me? Is this really God's will? Why didn't I stand up for myself more, instead of just going along with what he was saying? Do I really want this?" And also thinking things like, "Wow, I'm scared to death! Of course bachelor number 3 would just tell me that this is the spirit of fear, and it's of the devil. So, am I not allowed to have questions and concerns? I'm soooo uncomfortable with this! This has happened way too fast! How do I get out of this situation? I've got to break this relationship off! This is just crazy! Oh, but he'll tell me it's not crazy, it's godly. It's God's will. God's ways are not our ways..." By the next morning (today) I had decided that I was way freaked out by the situation, and I was going to call him and tell him it was off. That was dispite the fact that he had practically begged me the night before to promise I would never hurt him. I told him I told him I couldn't promise him that, because I am not perfect. Then he said, "Well, I don't mean like if we were married and had a little tiff, I just mean don't break up with me." Still, I was smart enough not to make any promises! I tried to relax and decided to check my email and IM messages. Big mistake. Of course there was one from Bachelor Number 3! "Good morning, beautiful!..." Oh, boy. Then, about five minutes or less after reading it, my cell began to ring. Guess who? Yup, Bachelor Number 3 - big suprise. Well, he started right in with telling me how excited he was that God brought us together, how wonderful I am, how much he loves me, and so on. At some point I mustered up the strength to tell him that I had some serious doubts about this relationship, and went on to discuss some of them. He then went on to preach to me about how doubt is the opposite of faith, and we are supposed to have faith, etc. Then he continued by telling me that these "What if" questions are just the spirit of fear trying to creep in, and we need to stand agaist it, etc. Then he asked me to please make positive confessions about our relationship, and so on. He asked me several times if my doubts were gone, and eventually I said yes, just to get him to stop asking me, and preaching at me. I know that was dishonest of me, and I feel bad about it. He continued to speak unceasingly about how he was absolutely sure, beyond the shadow of a doubt that we are right for eachother, that we are to be married someday, and if God told him to marry me tomorrow, he would definately do it. He also asked, "Kristy if God told you to marry me tomorrow, would you?" What kind of a crazy trick question is that??? Of course, if GOD told me to I would, because I want to do what God wants, but that doesn't mean that I want to get married soon!!! Just to give some more gory details, he at some point asked me to call him pet names when I talk to him, and tell him that I love him. However, I just had to draw the line there! I told him that I was not comfortable doing that, and that I don't want to feel pressured to do so. It takes me time to warm up to somebody, and I just don't automatically start talking that way! He appologized and said he would wait. For how long, I wondered. Well, it turned out to be for about five minutes, before he came out with, "I'm going to tell you my 3 favorite things about you, and then you tell me your 3 favorite things about me." He proceded to tell me his 3 favorite things about me, and then asked me to tell mine. I said, "You see, now I feel like you're pressuring me again!" Apparently he thought I was joking, because he just giggled and insisted that I do it any way. I mustered up 3 very vague, very (and only) friendly things to say, and then attempted to end the conversation pronto! Of course that didn't work! He had to say "just one more thing" to me about ten more times, and play more songs for me. Oh, and then ask me about a billion times during and after the songs if I like them. Insecure much? (I was thinking, "Dude I just explained that I am uncomfortable verbalizing things! Please stop asking me too! Yes, you play the piano great! You have a gift. Yes, I like the song. But please, please, PLEASE stop asking me to compliment and validate you! If you really know who you are in Christ, then you don't need some girl that you haven't even met to give you confidence and self-worth!!!") When I finally got off the phone, I began to cry really hard. I have no idea what I've gotten myself into, or how to resolve this situation. And what if he is the one? Then what? I mean, he does seem like a very nice, caring, spirit-filled, Christian guy. And I did get several words while I was in Bible school, that when the right one came along it would happen suddenly. Well, this certainly is suddenly!!! But is it too suddenly? Is it the right suddenly? I don't know. If Bachelor Number 3 is right, and this is God's will, then I don't want to mess it up. I don't want to let my flesh get in the way, just because I'm freaking out about how fast things are moving. However, on the other hand, I don't want to be in a relationship with someone, just because they told me it's God's will. I still do have so many doubts, and I just don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be meeting him on Saturday. I'm hoping I'll have a better idea after I actually meet him in person. But I'm so scared! I don't want to hurt him, but I also can't be in a relationship if I don't know it's God's will.